Health Disasters 101

(Below is something different, written by a guest contributor. Read on if you are in the mood for something raw, funny, and satirical).

So, you’ve decided to throw caution (and your health) to the wind? Congratulations! This guide will ensure you stay as unhealthy as possible for as long (or as short) as possible. Follow these steps religiously, and you’ll be well on your way to embracing a life of sluggishness, chronic illness, and general discomfort.

Dietary Disasters: Eat Your Way to Misery

• Eat all you can, whenever you can, as much as you can. The goal is to eat regardless of experiencing the sensation of hunger ever again. If you’re not stuffed to the brim at all times, you’re doing it wrong.

  
  

• Fried is the way, the truth, and the life. If it’s not dripping in grease or swimming in oil, send it back. Bonus points for extra cheese, extra sauce, and extra regret.

  
  

• Takeout is your best friend. Cooking is for people who care about what they eat. Order in, grab that drive-thru meal, the more it drips the better the grip over your heart, and let that calorie high take the wheel.

  
  

• Snacking should be constant. Chips, candy, cookies—make sure your hands never stop moving from the bag to your mouth. Ideally, chewing should be your only exercise.

  
  

• Soda > Water. Hydration? Overrated. Stick to sugar-loaded soft drinks, energy drinks, and artificially flavored syrups. If water must be consumed, ensure it's mixed with something colorful and sugary.

  
  

• Vegetables? What are those? The greener it is, the faster you should run in the opposite direction, actually WAIT …DON’T RUN. Deep fry them instead.

  
  

Exercise? Absolutely Not!

• Sit as much as possible. Whether it’s at work, at home, or in your car, ensure that physical movement is kept to a bare minimum. If you have the option to take an escalator, always choose it over the stairs.

  
  

• Make your couch your kingdom. Invest in the softest, deepest couch so you never feel the urge to get up. Bonus points for binge-watching TV for hours without moving anything but your fingers. Try going for voice activation if you want extra points.

  
  

• Avoid any activity that might make you sweat. Sweating is for people who want to “feel good” and “be healthy.” Don’t fall for it. If your heart rate ever rises, take immediate action by sitting down and eating something comforting because life can never be about discomfort.

  
  

Sleep Like a Disaster

• Who needs sleep when you have screens? Keep your phone, laptop, and TV on full blast until the moment you pass out, but in the way that you would after a RAVE. The bluer light you get, the more distracted you will be from your actual thoughts that you haven’t let out since that thing/year that you won’t acknowledge, which will ensure your sleep quality is as terrible as possible. This is where years of your life are REALLY LOST.

  
  

• Sleep at odd hours. Consistency is for the weak. Sleep at 3 AM, wake up at noon, and repeat the cycle for maximum exhaustion.

  
  

• Caffeine is a food group. Drink coffee or energy drinks at all hours. Who cares if you can't sleep? You can always just nap because life can only ever be a bad dream that doesn’t go away, and why should you love yourself enough to hope that you deserve better… WHAT A SAP.

  
  

Mental and Emotional Well-being? No Thanks!

• Stress about everything, fix nothing. Worry constantly but never take action just like your food and health—somebody else will just worry about it. But still, don’t forget to scare yourself into a state of deteriorating existence, where the only thing you will ever actually lose is your mind.

  
  

• Ignore self-care. Why meditate or take breaks when you can just scroll endlessly on social media and compare yourself to strangers? Why even bother—as long as you can eat and exist like cattle, you can live a heavy-breathing and fulfilling life.

  
  

• Surround yourself with negativity. Keep toxic people close, complain often, and never practice gratitude. Let them speak to you about the recurring problems in their life, specifically the ones that they are not holding themselves accountable for. Internalize them, worry about them, suffer through their callousness over their own supposed concerns, and then find justification that you do not need to change because there is someone else that is just as pathetic, if not more. Why should you look towards the possibility of a better you when the probability of your mistakes is all you ever want to know? Counterfeit their progress as your own and afford yourself the liberties that others have earned, always hoping that tomorrow you will magically change your destiny over the fork and knife. Last but not least, never forget to isolate yourself from people who care about you because all your mistakes disappear in the dark, and happiness is only found in food packages.

  
  

Bonus Round: Ensure Your Health Declines Rapidly

• Ignore your doctor. Medical advice is just a suggestion. Who needs check-ups when you can just assume everything is fine? Yeah, shortness of breath is just a form of resistance training.

  
  

• Skip medications. If you do get sick, forget prescriptions—just “tough it out.” Or better yet, self-diagnose with internet advice.

  
  

• Live off of processed foods. If it has pesticides and ingredients that you can’t pronounce, then get two. If it has an expiration date a decade from now, then get a box.

  
  

Follow these golden rules, and you will not be well. You will have clouded your mind, inhibited your senses, strained and debilitated your body. Breathing will become a battle, walking an unrelenting burden. Never again will your emotions be yours to decide, and your mind will never shut up—EVER—about how you can just stay in place. Do not move a muscle; do not waste a single minute towards a better life. Remember, the key to staying unhealthy is commitment—so stay dedicated and enjoy this miserable short ride for as long as your comfort allows you.

Health Disasters 101 by Ahmed Shamlawi